Or perhaps not
by Blahsblah2001
Summary: If anybody sees a bit of a pettern in these romance fics, read this. The anti-pattern.


Hello. This is my second ES fic. But I've read a whole lot. I seem to find a pattern, and it being my duty to disrupt any normal patterns I have decided to write a parody. I AM NOT MAKING FUN OF ANYONE.

ES owned by Tim Burton, the original 'anti-fic' idea belonging to Krin. READ HER STUFF IT ROCKS!

PS anybody see this 'Numa dance'? It's weird…

Rule 1: The main character of the fic is introduced. She is blond, 17, and looks almost exactly like her grandmother, Kim.

Jessica got out of her families' SUV. She had just moved from three states over and was not at all happy about it. She grabbed up one of her bags from the trunk. When she stood back up, she hit her head on the door.

"Oww…" she said, running a hand lightly over the short blue spikes of hair. Her mother said that blue hair wasn't appropriate for a fourteen year old. Jessica didn't really care about that, either. She looks around at the bright houses, then at the rainbow house she was going to live in. At the end of her street, however, there seemed to be a passage into another dimension. The scary, hilly, foggy dimension. Jessica wondered if maybe the hill wasn't fake. It looked so out of place.

Rule 2: She gets curious about the stories her grandmother told her when she was younger, and decides to investigate the house on the hill.

"I wonder what's up there?" she said to herself.

"Probably some nut,": her mother said. "Don't go up there, it's probably private property. But Jessica didn't listen. She made up her mind to go up there as soon as it got dark. Maybe TP part of it or something.

So that night as soon as her parents had gone to bed, she climbed out her window, (Kind of useless considering her parents slept like logs and wouldn't notice if she went out with a bullhorn… horning.)

She climbed up the himm, carrying the backpack full of toilet paper. It was along climb, and it looked like no one had made it in a long time.

"maybe it's deserted," she thought. But that thought changed as soon as she came to the front gate. Grinning, she pushed it open.

Rule 3: She goes into the garden and is astounded by the Grand Bush Sculptures.

"What a bunch of weird stuff," Jessica thought, tossing a roll over one finger of a hand. It tore halfway down. So she threw it again. And again. And again. Untill she thought she saw someone in the broken window above the door.

"Aw, crap," she muttered, and started running back down the hill. She thought she heard someone behind her.

Rule 4: Seeing no one, she goes into the house, and up the stairs.

The gate squeaked open behind her, and Jessica looked back to see someone walking after her. Looking back didn't enable her to look at her feet. She fell in the dark. Cursing, she tried to scramble to her feet, but it was too late. The guy from the house had already caught up to her.

Rule 5: She hears a strange sound. Almost like… scissors. She goes to investigate. (She is unable to make the connection between 'scissor sound' and 'scissor hands' and find out what is making the noise.)

"I'm sorry, sorry," she said, hoping he wasn't a mass murder or something. Jessica wished she'd thought this through more.

The man didn't say anything. Jessica looked at him more closely. He was wearing something really weird… like leather or something. She hears a noise like metal scraping together. Light from somewhere glanced off… a knife.

"Oh, shit…" she said. She got to her feet and took off running. She thought she could hear him following her again.

Rule 6: She finds Edward. He is being shy as usual.

As she ran over the front gate, Jessica realized she was home free. But she had forgotten her backpack. It was a small price, she thought, to pay for her life. Sneaking back into her house she wondered at how close she had come to getting murdered or something.

Rule 7: She befriends him.

Locking every entrance to her house, Jessica swore never to go up there again.

Somewhere above her, Edward is looking at the backpack in the middle of his garden, wand wondering what the heck it is.

Thank you for sticking through this. Review, tell me if you liked it. If you hate it, tell me so. I want to know.


End file.
